I feel empty.
Numb.
I have no motivation to do anything.
Even though I have SO much I need to do…
I’m so frustrated. But I don’t know what to do about it…
I was doing so well until I found out what my sisters were saying about me behind my back… (here, if you didn’t read it)
Since then… I’ve stopped eating healthy. Stopped losing weight…
I’ve relapsed.
Stopped my skin care schedule, as well as other things I put on a schedule for myself… like relaxation and meditation exercises to ground myself.
Almost all my joy is gone.
I’ve never been more emotionless in my life.
I’m not even enjoying playing video games much.
And worst of all… I haven’t been training my parrots. I haven’t had the energy.
I want to eat healthy again, start losing weight again, resume exercising…
…draw again… spend time working on things that need to be done.
The only things I’ve been able to do successfully lately are bathing and taking my meds.
That’s it.
I feel like such a waste.
Especially after I found this on the CONTINUED ‘conversation’ between my sisters…
Once again I think I’ll insert my own thoughts.
Tuesday, July 16th
Alena: “How are things with Denise? She still not talking to you?”
Emily: “I apologized to her so she doesn’t try to kill me lol”
Me: What??? I thought you apologized because you were SORRY. You admitted you were wrong. I guess you were lying then. You just don’t want me to be angry at you or whatever. It’s quite an inconvenience, after all, when you try to have your friends over all the time when I’m lingering about the house like a fucking plague. I forgave you, too. I actually believed you. Well, that’s the last straw. I will NOT trust you again. I will NOT believe your apologies anymore. You’re nothing but fake. Hypocrite. Fake as plastic.
“…She brought up some other stuff like “what about this time..” Etc and I just told her I didn’t know what she was talking about
Because she tried bringing up instances from a long time ago and I honestly didn’t remember.”
Me: And you just told me you didn’t know what I was talking about? That implied that you DID know what I was talking about. ‘Long time ago’? It’s been 4 MONTHS! Not YEARS! She has no idea what a ‘long time’ is. So, you ‘honestly’ didn’t remember? Not that your ‘honesty’ means anything anymore, as it doesn’t exist, but I believe you here; you like to forget your own wrongs.
Alena: Yep sounds like her lol. I’m not apologizing for the facebook stuff she saw. I have no reason to apologize. Besides, it’s time she apologizes to me.
Me: Still mocking me? Will you NEVER get enough? You’ve turned into a demon. Demons feed off others’ pain. You’re a fucking demon. I wish I never had to find out how cruel you are. That’s what you are. You are CRUEL. You can’t even see your own cruelty. Narcissism…? not sure. “No reason to apologize”? Hopefully you’ll still remember those words when I leave your life forever. Never go to your wedding. Never see your children. Never receive your apology before I die. YOU CHOSE to cast me out. I GAVE YOU YOUR OPTIONS. You chose to remain self-righteous. After all, you don’t care that I stood in front of the mirror for nearly 30 minutes, a shimmering knife poking into the skin of my chest, ready to plunge it deep into my body. That doesn’t bother you at all, right?
My life is fading away, just as my family is.
At the same time, I’ve had this… foreboding, anxious feeling in the pit of my soul for days now. Like something big is about to happen.
I’ve been reading about all the signs of Jesus’ second coming… lots of prophecies are coming true, and have come true.
I wish for it.
I want to LEAVE this place, SO badly.
I just feel like there is NOTHING here for me.
My joy is gone.
My hope is gone.
Filing for disability to be able to buy my own groceries and not leech off my mother seems futile now.
Even my thoughts are gone… to some extent…
I can’t think of what I was going to post next…
The world is sinking.
Sinking into darkness, because the people of the world pushed out the light.
Pushed God out of their lives.
God is gone from the world, just the way they wanted it.
Society is deteriorating.
Previously self-sustaining, independent, successful people are starving, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Something has to give.
Soon, I hope.
Then at least SOMETHING will happen.
Hopefully something to halt my fading.
denisemariesurvivor 